Ski Trips
Big condos with kitchens. Hot chocolate in lodges. Snow bunny apparel. Boys. Booze. Hot-tubs. Icicles. What’s not to love about a good ski trip?
Skiing is the whitest, frattiest, WASPiest sport around. Other than maybe… sailing. Or golf. But chicks don’t dig that as much. Plus, skiing is just so social. There’s a grand feeling of “togetherness” on a ski trip. This is best exemplified through ski trip meal times, when 10 people sharing a condo cook dinner together as they watch 40 - Year - Old - Virgin or play board games. If ski trippers opt to go out, there are always at least 19 people because condos filled with other white kids merge. — A good ski trip is only 26% about the sport. The other 74% is a break down of various social categories including but not limited to food, love connections, get to know you games, peanut M&Ms, pub crawls, bragging rights, soreness, living arrangements, sledding, snowball fights, and other snow play.
My university sponsors an annual ski trip in which we ride in buses across the country (literally 24 hrs of bus), and you can guess how many people sign up every year. About 1,000! White chicks come in droves– I am pretty sure I didn’t even sign up– my sorority did it for me. The truly hard core white chicks ride with their boyfriends who live in the destination state– and face breakdowns of both the emotional and automobile varieties.
Also, when I checked facebook for pictures for this post, I was overwhelmed with so many good ones… here’s a sampling.
Cool Jobs
Whenever I tell a white chick my job, her eyes fill with awe and she is totally jealous. All of a sudden, I’m considered awesome even though I make $400 a week and I answer phones. Why? Because I’ve connected a call for Lisa Kudrow and gotten a Diet Coke for Tara Reid. And perhaps even more importantly, I get to Fed Ex packages to the Supernanny, Jo Frost. It kind of reminds me of The Office episode Gay Witch Hunt– where Kelly tells Oscar he’s so cool for being gay, and he responds with “yes, I’m pretty cool. I’m an accountant at a failing mid-level paper company in Scranton.” But let me tell you, white chicks think I’m awesome.
Pretty Much My Life
A year ago, I was sitting in my apartment with my roommates– all seniors in college– and we realized we all had NO IDEA what we were going to do with our lives, or even with the next year of our lives. The most solid plan among the 5 of us was to move to New York, not get a day job, and go on acting auditions. This was the MOST solid plan, kids.
However, for the remaining four, our ambition and zeal, combined with our complete lack of direction, has since exposed us to some pretty cool jobs. One roommate applied to drive the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Now, hold on– before you judge her, this is actually a very cool job. She learned of it through the book that was permanently on our coffee table– The Princeton Review’s 101 Best Internships. Okay, so actually, driving the wienermobile is not even a job– it’s an internship. But it pays better than the job I have now, and you get to drive a hot dog car all across America. One guy met Z Z Top because they saw him in the wienermobile and wanted to buy him lunch! Unfortunately, who knew that this position is about as competitive as a spot in Harvard? … except maybe more so because there are fewer spots.
However, this particular roommate has already held two of the coolest jobs of anyone I know since graduation. She’s worked at the Google facility in Mountain View– okay, the job itself actually wasn’t that cool, but consider the perks: heated toilet seats, onsite massages, and a campus full of young, attractive, bright idealists. It’s like college but more pampered. Her current job is in events planning at Wired Magazine– and already she’s gone to New Orleans and a Pre-Oscar’s celebrity SWAG party. (Swag being free products and gifts.) Parents, fret not, that communications degree IS very versatile.
Except then you have the counter example of me, stuck working in the “reception arts.” Although I will tell you that I have had many hilarious/interesting encounters in this position, so it is a cool job in the crappiest form. It also gives me a lot of mileage in stand-up comedy, so that’s another plus.
Behind these nervous smiles, everyone is thinking “Crap! Now what??”
Some jobs I came across that were out of my experience level or my field… of dreams: cruise line entertainment coordinator, orbitz.com rep, Quicksilver accounts rep, junior footwear designer, snowboard engineer designer, and NFL events coordinator.
Old school cool jobs would have included seal trainer or astronaut, but these types of jobs no longer fit white chick criteria of cool. To be considered a cool job, there are three requirements: money, artistic integrity, and sociability. Now I realize at times, the first two pre-reqs can be inversely proportional. However, if a good ratio is achieved, you are looking at one cool job. Also, another important component is lifestyle of the job. The less of a monotonous routine, the cooler the job. So if it looks different day to day, it’s a cool job. A perfect example of a cool job is working for an art gallery–something like what Charlotte did on Sex in the City.
Now that the 5 roommates are in the so-called “real world,” we are all employed–save possibly for the actress– and yet, we still search job boards, monster.com, and even craigslist– you might be surprised at the array of cool jobs to be found there– for more great jobs.
White chicks even support Bethenny on The Real Housewives of New York City– probably because her incredibly cool job gives her major bonus points. She’s a natural foods chef — she plays in the kitchen, writes for magazines–the most fun type of publication to write for, and even is a personal chef to what I can only imagine are some fascinating clients. She’s got her own company, gets to schedule her own hours, and exercises culinary creativity. Seriously, what a cool job!
What can I say? White chicks love cool jobs. Maybe that solves the mystery of why we love industry-specific elimination-based reality shows. It lets us revel in our appreciation for high-end cool jobs.
Industry-Specific Elimination-Based Reality Shows
America’s Next Top Model. Hell’s Kitchen. Project Runway. Design Star. Shear Genius. Heck, anything on BRAVO. What do they all have in common? (Well, besides being almost the exact same show…) Why of course– white chicks LOVE them!
Runway seems to take the cake–the New York Times called it “the Prada of reality shows.” This might help explain why white chicks cannot get enough. It’s almost impossible to market DVD releases of reality shows, because people aren’t as invested when they already know who won, and yet just today I saw an ad for Project Runway Season 2 on DVD on amazon.com. And they’ve even won a Peabody! For the uninformed, this is a legitimate honor, NOT just for reality shows. This is some serious stuff. Shoot, I almost pulled a Paula Abdul and cried when Kayne from Season 3 was eliminated.
For awhile, I was convinced that Heidi Klum and I were cosmically connected. First, I worked on a commercial she was in with her husband Seal, which I would feel more compelled to brag about if it was scheduled to air outside of Germany. Then I saw her randomly outside Hollywood and Highland’s Victoria’s Secret less than a month later! But these moments between Heidi and I have actually not furthered my career as I had hoped. Maybe karma bit me in the ass because I accidentally almost fed Seal poison sushi. Also, does anyone else notice the irony in that?
So I might be a little bit of a creeper sometimes….
But I digress…
I’d like to take this moment to point out that in the reality tv world, we don’t feel the need to use full names. For example, The Amazing Race becomes merely The Race, while American’s Next Top Model becomes Model, or to some, ANTM. Idol brought this type of reality show into the limelight, and white chicks everywhere will be forever grateful, regardless of their feelings toward Kelly Clarkson.
Last year I had one roommate who barely came out of her room, except to watch Top Chef. So I had an idea on how to capitalize on millions of white chicks like ourselves across America– Bartender USA. Okay, I’ll confess–its not as bourgois-fabulous as, say, Runway or even something like Genius, but it still seemed like it could be sort of glamorous, in a Coyote Ugly sort of way. Except I couldn’t think of many challenges, so you probably won’t be seeing my name in lights anytime soon.
This is one white chick obsession that I truly have no explanation for. I don’t think it’s because we aspire to make a red-carpet dress from 80’s curtains. I don’t think it’s any particular admiration for the characters, because though we do have our favorites, we know some are snakes– remember when Jeffrey won Runway after CHEATING?? What happened to cheaters never win!? And though the captivating hosts draw us in, I don’t think they’re spawning this national addiction. Yes, the people are really talented within their industries– but even fashion or food is not enough to explain this pandemic phenomenon. But though I do not understand it, I will continue to be sucked in.
Frattiness
While mom and dad may have been Susie Sorority and Freddy Fraternity, times have changed… kind of. Your boyfriend is Fratty McFratpants and you’re definitely a sorostitute.
Frat Daddies
You might be wondering why I’m writing about frattiness on a blog about white chicks. That is one common misconception about frattiness– but gender need not apply. Frattiness is a way of life.
There are many elements of frattiness, and what we will focus on here is not the “grimy apartment filled with dude-smell” aspect, but the spirit of being fratty.
So what’s fratty? Skiing down three flights of stairs at 3 o’clock in the morning? You bet. Playing real live Donkey Kong with empty kegs in a stinky hallway? Absolutely. Throwing parties on a porch dubbed “The Fratio” or drunkenly scaling the fire escape? Totally fratty. And another reason white chicks love frattiness– theme parties are The Frattiest.
White chicks love, participate in, and date frattiness because they can wear Tiffany’s jewelry and still feel like they “get” guy humor. At the root of frattiness is fraternity, and thus, a feeling of inclusion. That’s why a white chick is secretly proud when her boyfriend does a 3 story beer bong of PBR in front of 78 people.
NOTE: Sometime frattiness cannot be clearly defined, so please be inspired by the list below.
Elements of (Fratty) Style:
-grilling
-pastel colors, popped collars
-snapping instead of clapping (snaps of the male variety are wildly spastic and have been dubbed by some as “the frat snap”)
-rainbows sandals and aviators
-playing “slap the bag” with Franzia on a school bus in pearls and a cocktail dress or suit
-Tour de Franzia
-Franzia
-rambunctious activity
-nicknames (fraternity Sigma Phi Epsilon becomes Sigma Phi Hairsalon; sorority Alpha Phi becomes “all-for-free”)
Feel free to comment with your own examples, encounters, or experiences of frattiness!
Working Out
Because I couldn’t find a picture of Romy and Michelle in spin class
White chicks love working up a sweat. And the endorphins that come with it are even better. But even more than the exercise itself, white chicks love Talking About Working Out. And that probably should have been the title of this post.
Do not be surprised if a white chick of any shape, size, stature, or stamina approaches you with this topic. Talking About Working Out is an equal opportunity white chick activity. See, white chicks are obsessed with working out, whether they regularly engage in physical activity or not. So even if they’re not actually exercising, they’re at least running their mouths.
You may hear one white chick bragging about how sore she is from her last trip to the gym, while another gushes about how beautiful that jog through the canyon was. While some may be calculating the calories they’ve burned that day, there are others complaining about how long it’s been since they’ve last hit the elliptical. Chances are, a white chick is either waiting for you to bring up working out, or else plotting how to strategically work it into the conversation. You might be talking about youtube, and she’ll mention her favorite work out related music videos. Top selections are Kanye’s New Work Out Plan, Madonna’s Hung Up, and the tush-revealing work out classic, Eric Prydz’s Call On Me, pictured above.
The only fail-proof response to any white chick’s remarks about anything fitness-related is to express your own desire to work out more or maybe try yogalates.
Also, it’s been at least 4 months since I’ve seen the inside of a gym.
Future MILF Status
The Original MILF
Back in the 90s, the American Pie movies introduced white chicks everywhere to the M.I.L.F. Probably intended as a joke, the MILF has been taken a little too seriously by some. Move over trophy wives, white chicks have found a new aspiration– to become the future MILFs of America.
I have friends who have actually informed me that this is their future. Most of them even have a game plan to achieve this. Initially, I wrote them off as silly– a MILF should be born, not made– but I have to admit, faced with the alternative, I’d rather be a MILF than… not.
Maybe it’s time to start planning.
Recently, a friend in her early 20’s was griping to me about her boss and how she feels she will NEVER be as hot as this woman– and the woman is 64 years old! That’s actually kind of taking it to the next level, generationally speaking. A GILF?
That reminds me… where are all the old people? Seriously. If you’re lucky, you might catch a glimpse of one of the nation’s few remaining old folk somewhere deep in a Midwestern small town, but certainly not in any cities. In some cultures, the elderly are revered and even worshiped. So how is there a complete absence of them in a city as big and diverse as, say, Los Angeles?
Another victory for the plastic people…
Expensive Coffee
White chicks can often be seen in the wild carrying a little white cup with a green mermaid– a sure symbol of status for a white chick.
The Starbucks cup says three things about a white chick. She’s independent (she can afford preposterously priced coffee), she’s savvy (she knows a “hot” product), and she’s got a really awesome/busy life that requires high levels of caffeine intake at all times. This explains why a white chick about town is seldom seen sans little white cup.
As an added bonus, Starbucks also carries fair trade coffee. We can then feel humanitarian without actually knowing whether or not our order was fair-trade, or what that really even means. Should a white chick of the hippy variety challenge us, we also have a means to defend ourselves. Justification in exchange for a few dollars per cup? Sounds like a fair trade to me…
NOTE: LA-based white chicks may deflect to the Coffee Bean.
Birthdays
It starts with streamers and hand made banners on high school lockers– though rumor has it that this rite of passage has trickled down to middle school white chicks– and results in dress up and debauchery in an unending series of “annual” 21st birthdays.
Yes, white chicks love birthdays.*
Naturally, yesterday my gchat status message was “Happy Birthday to me!” … and it wasn’t actually my birthday. That’s the glory of April Fools’ Day–the one day a year that I have a quasi-legitimate excuse to make people THINK it’s my birthday– and there are obvious benefits that come with that.
Important birthday benefits for a white chick:
1. attention–a standard white chick motivation
2. presents (duh)
3. free stuff–do not be deceived; this is actually different from presents. Ranging from cake to libations to party hats, the more free stuff a white chick can accumulate, the happier her birthday will be.
4. And, perhaps the most important birthday benefit for white chicks everywhere… and also their national pasttime… THEME PARTIES!
Note: Nothing gets a white chick more excited than the prospect of a theme party. The more elaborate a theme, the better. Also, the more the food, decor, etc, are “on theme,” the happier a white chick will be. Heck, theme parties are like 87% of why white chicks join sororities.
In my recent history:
Good Theme Party (70’s)
John Krasinski
Ahh, yes, John Krasinski. The universal crush of white chicks. He appeals to the masses (of young Caucasian women, of course) because he is just so multidimensional.
For the shallow among us, he’s got glossy good-looks (see exhibit A).
However, for those looking a little deeper, his goofball–and even awkward– charm, showcased in his role as Jim on The Office, gets us every time. In fact, I’m pretty sure I even used to be in a facebook group called “I wish Jim from The Office was my boyfriend.” Boo-yah?
But even those who have never seen The Office can be obsessed with John Krasinski. Where can such a white chick be found? Well, there was one in my apartment of 5 last year, and yet (redeemingly), she may have been the most enamored with JK of us all. His Ivy League side got to her– this is a girl who says sentences like “Sylvia Plath would roll over in her grave.” The minute she found out our beloved JK was going to be making a movie of David Foster Wallace’s Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, he became her plan B husband (after DFW himself, of course).
Bonus: Krasinski is said to have shot the opening of The Office, set in the real Scranton, Pennsylvania. Even more talents!
John, dear… will you marry us?
